How to deal with jealousy and unsupportive people

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How to deal with jealousy and unsupportive people

This topic contains 70 replies, has 25 voices, and was last updated by  thinatlast 3 years, 2 months ago.

Viewing 21 posts - 51 through 71 (of 71 total)

  • Those making the comments are jealous or have some other self-serving controlling agenda going on in the background.
    They know you are starting to look and feel REALLY good (out-shinning them) now – they don’t have the upper hand – you’re on the road to your awesome goal and they can’t stand it-the claws are coming out big time)! The energy and hostility they will pour on you so you fatten up and they feel superior. They don’t want you getting healthy, looking sexy, younger – stealing all of the thunder. Getting compliments and hit on by the opposite sex.
    TOO BAD – for THEM, that is. Let them rant. Let them rave. Stick to your goal. If they rant on, just tell them that you can see through them and it’s obnoxious-and that you would never comment on their eating habits or make comments about their bodies. Tell them everyone you meet tells you how fantastic you look, so it’s amusing and kind of creepy how they are the only ones going on and on. They should focus on themselves and their issues.
    This has happened to me-so I know it’s a real thing. The people that make the negative comments are manipulators and want the upper hand with you for some reason. Don’t ever give it to them. Smile and enjoy they’re ranting and obvious jealously. Hee, hee!!! You go!

    If people are worried about the health of a person when they lose weight, why weren’t they equally vocal in their concerns when the same person was overweight? it s plain old jealousy so think of the expression ‘problem ownership’. ie leave the problem with the person who owns it, don’t let it become yours. What people are really saying is ‘don’t leave me on my own in fatland’ or …. ‘jeez!!! you really are starting to emerge as a beauty – I don’t like the competition now – was ok when you were holding the coats n I was the one asked to dance ….. plus, having been a fattie, you probably have developed a lovely, non competitive personality, now you re going to have the looks to go with it!!! I have been over 20 st at my heaviest, 9 stone at my lowest and currently somewhere in the mid 10 st hoping do reduce to mid 9 st range. Been there, heard it all, seen my face and figure in all those different sizes and I know without a shadow of doubt which I prefer xx let the haters hate 🙂 good luck n toughen up a bit eh? you re gonna have whistles and shouts from guys when yr walking down the street more and more 🙂 Enjoy x you ve earned it hon xx 🙂

    I’ve appreciated reading through all the posts here. It’s good to hear everyone’s perspectives on how to respond to negative comments. This thread has gotten me thinking about what I would do in the scenarios described. I realize that I’ll definitely share that I’m doing 5:2 with my doctor and would be happy to respond by saying that my progress is under ‘doctor supervision’!

    Smile and say ‘thank you’ I feel fabulous.

    If they persist I just smile and say that my GP is thrilled with my progress and my blood pressure is now normal. That usually takes the wind out of their sails!

    I asked a very slim friend the other day if she gets a hard time – she said she used to but not any more. I said I didn’t know how to deal with people and she said well you should tell them to stop eating so many pies!

    Not helpful!!!!

    I’ve struck a related issue – I’m not overweight according to BMI (I’m at the very top of healthy), but my waist size is significantly over what it should be for good health. So I’m mainly aiming to lose waist size, although that will only come about with some weight loss.

    I now avoid telling people I’m trying to lose (I’ve only just started so no visible results yet) – they all tell me I’m fine as I am and don’t need to lose weight. I generally come back with information about healthy waist to height ratio, which I definitely don’t have. But it’s easier to not have the conversation in the first place if I can avoid it…

    So guess what? After an extremely stressful year, I’ve regained all the weight I lost and I’m back to square one. Yes, a lot of it was stress – reverting to my old bad habits, and being too depressed to do anything about it, including exercise.

    However – a large portion of the blame must fall squarely on the jealous unwanted comments that I received. I believe that subconsciously, I felt that being slim wasnt a ‘safe’ place to be and I think part of it is also that need to comform and please others. If everyone is hassling you about looking slim and losing weight, I feel that is so undermining of a determined effort / attitude to losing weight.

    I am going to start again, and this time it’s no ones business! This time I’m going to deal with this jealousy and not let it sagotage me. I’ll need help though.

    Guess what? Not ONE comment from any of these people (or anyone else) about my health now, or my appearance. Funny isnt it? Amazing how my health or my appearance isnt of any concern to anyone at all when it’s not good / threatening / evoking jealousy, or whatever else.

    Key point: My health and appearance is my business. If someone isnt concerned about my health / bad appearance when I’m too fat, they have forfeited their right to voice their “concerns” (i.e. fake concerns) when I’m thin, or pursuing thinness.

    But I still ponder…why do people feel it’s ok to do this to others?? I guess the most assertive and self assured people wouldnt let it bother them at all?

    Wow Manda you need to hang out with a different crowd. I had the complete opposite. People were quite supportive and I told everyone that I was doing 5:2. It worked for me, as there was no way I wasn’t going to be successful after telling everyone. In the end my work colleagues would even politely ask if it was my fasting day before asking me if Id like some birthday cake etc. Its always someone’s birthday in the office. You need to turn the tables around and use the comments to your advantage. Can you give an example of what they were saying?

    Hi BigBooty, I’m the original poster – for a sample see the first post and a few after that I wrote.

    The comments started around 20kg in to a 40kg weight loss quest. I got down 30kg.

    Things like:

    “Dont lose anymore weight” – this is the one I HATE the most – this started when I wasnt even back into my healthy weight range – and of my waist measurement wasnt even in the healthy range even after I’d lost the 30kg!! This also came from a smoker and an overweight woman. I really hate people telling other people whether or not they believe they should lose more weight. The only time this comment would be ok would be if I was already at my lowest goal weight (which happens to be at the leanest end of my healthy BMI) or if I happened to be underweight. Otherwise NOT ok. And ALWAYS intended to undermine weight loss in my opinion. I dont care how good intentioned it appears on the surface.

    “You’re wasting away” – No, Im in my healthy weight range. You’re comparing me to my obese appearance dumb dumb. I’m not wasting away I’m losing weight. Big difference. Hate this. So bitchy in my opinion.

    “Are you throwing up after you eat”? – The do you have an eating disorder range of comments.

    And other various comments that were intrusive and unwelcome and served to undermine my focus and determination.

    Lets face it, when you’re having a bad day and two people say “dont lose anymore weight” – that willpower is all too easily eroded. One bad choice can then snowball into a whole day of bad choices … after all, I don’t need to lose more weight do I?

    And this time, I’m not talking to people about my intention to lose weight. I’m not going to comment on my diet choices. I’m going to go about this as a private matter. It won’t be put out there as a new gossip topic – “oh, X is back on her diet / talking about losing weight again”…

    This time it’s private. This time when the intrusive comments start my attitude will be “I’m intentionally losing weight, and have important health and well being issues at stake. I do not care what you think, I’m the expert on what is best for me”. I’m going to also try to focus on the two things I’ve learned from last time: 1. Other people are extremely jealous and this manifests in this kind of verbal attack and sabotage. 2. I don’t need other people’s approval to be who I want to be.

    Go for it!! You know what to do so like the add says. Just do it. Maybe its an XX chromosome thing to be jealous? I had the opposite with people being supportive but maybe that’s because of the XY chromosome thing? Or maybe like I said you need to hang out with supportive people and tell the rest to…. well you know what I want to say.

    Indeed, Manda, go for it! 🙂 It was incredible how rude your co-workers were. At least you can come here for support and encouragement. I wish you every success with this fabulous way of life – it does work, when you can shut out all the empty voices.

    Just started reading this thread. Human nature is fascinating. I had a couple of similar remarks, eg ‘don’t lose anymore weight’ (from a smoker) ‘ you’re so skinny’ & I’d only lost 10kg’s, & my BMI was around 22. Let’s face it, today if you’re at a healthy, normal weight, you’re in a minority. When people see you succeeding, they feel threatened. They are forced to look at themselves. But they try to turn the tables by their comments, or by offering you ‘treats’. Much like smokers will offer you a cigarette when they know you’re trying to quit, & make jokes like, ‘you don’t live longer if you quit, it just feels like it’. So, I think it’s envy they feel, rather than jealousy; or maybe a combination of the two.
    Such a pity you regained the weight, Manda. But just think of it as a learning curve. You did it once, & you will do it again! This time for good 🙂

    Manda you have the numbers on your side – if you’re in a medically healthy weight range and someone tells you you’ve lost too much weight, they’re wrong, plain and simple. You can do this 🙂

    What I struggle with is what to say to people without rambling about healthy weights, bmi and my large waistline. I’d love to say something sarky and cutting, but I also don’t want my colleagues to hate me for it. My final statement when I’ve had enough will be ‘my weight is not up for discussion, can we please drop this now’. But that still feels like it might be too aggressive when I consider how my colleagues will react to it.

    But why should we have to get to the point where we’ve had enough? Look what happened to me. I know that people would say the weight gain is all my doing – to a large extent that is true. However, I DO believe that part of the blame goes to the jealous bitchy remarks that I was innundated with after I lost a certain amount of weight and was no longer fat. It’s like I wasnt allowed to be slim. I just feel so strongly about this. I don’t believe that it’s right that people should feel so entitled to do this. I don’t have all the answers on how to address it, that’s obvious, but I just feel that why should we also be putting up with this lest we upset them??

    Hi Manda,

    Focus on what you can control, and that is your own actions. You cant control the actions of others, so don’t waste energy on them. You know you can lose weight, you’ve done it before, so just focus and that and bugger those negative people around you.

    Judging by the date of the last post, this thread might be dead now. I hope not and I’m adding my twopenneth worth anyway. I only came across it while reading posts from someone new to a thread I’ve contributed to for a long time so I could get to know them better (that’s you Lael).

    Anyway, I wanted to respond to the ‘oh you’re wasting away’; ‘hi skinny minny’; ‘you mustn’t lose any more weight’ comments. My GP has a weight issue himself and was very supportive of my endless struggles with my weight for many years before I discovered 5:2 and reached my goal weight a year ago.

    I discussed this with him because I often have the feeling that people are just waiting (almost hoping it seems?) for me to re-gain the 24kgs back. I do have a history of losing lots of weight and re-gaining it but I have explained to people that 5:2 is a change for life. Actually it was my doctor who brought it up (he doesn’t know that I know he had lapband surgery before I became his patient). He said that when we lose a lot of weight, we challenge people’s normality. People don’t like change. You turn their world upside down and they just find it hard to know how to deal with it. Hence the comments.

    The other difficulty is that because I still fast to maintain my weight (and because I believe in the other medical benefits fasting offers), people think I’m still ‘dieting’. I spend half my time explaining that I haven’t lost any weight since I reached my goal weight a year ago.

    One other issue I have had to deal with is sabotage from my own family. You’d think your OH would be happy to have his wife at her pre-wedding weight at age 60. Sadly, for mine, my fasting equates to some form of deprivation on his part. This is despite the fact that I always cook my OFMs a healthy dinner on my FDs. The day after my FD, my OH heads straight for the kitchen for a huge fry-up – you’d think he was the one fasting! I rarely mention 5:2 in the home now because my family are ‘sick to death of hearing about it’ and basically have no interest in healthy eating as a lifestyle choice. I just quietly go about my routine and sometimes no-one notices it’s a fast day.

    Another side of this coin is that a lot of people really wanted to know how I was losing weight while still eating normally most of the time. As a result, I have turned 13 people on to 5:2, all with good success. These are the people I like to surround myself with. The proof will be that, with the passing years, I do not ever go back to where I was.

    This is the reason these forums are so brilliant – we get to chat to like-minded people who get it. Well done all!

    So well said Thin!

    Hi Thin ,

    I wonder if the big fry up after FD is the same thing – there’s been a change to ‘normality’, and so there’s a reaction because our success is a challenge. My OH is good most of the time and happy for me, but occasionally there’s a bit of this sort of thing, particularly if I’m not there when the shopping gets done. There are a couple of things I am just about powerless to resist that I have asked not to be brought into the house. I don’t care if he has them but till my weight loss is done I’ve asked that they not be in the kitchen, and that I not know he has them. I have a particular food intolerance condition that being around these makes it really hard for me. Well, it,s a few monthsvsince we had that talk again, and they came home again thislast week, and we’ll be having “that talk” again. I have repeated it several times, but it still gets ‘forgotten’.

    Merry

    And yes, I. ate some of them over a few days and now I’m struggling again…….

    Do tell Merry, what are those items that you’re powerless to resist? Name and shame them!

    I might be being a bit hard on my OH as I have a long and complicated history with food. He’s always said that he’s not responsible for what I put in my mouth. He’s got a point. He gets in trouble if I find chocolate hidden in the garage and he gets in trouble if he offers it to me – so he says he can’t win. A ‘win’ for me would be that he also embraced healthy eating and made items like chocolate a special and rare thing.

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