Day 7 – Rural Nebraska, USA – FD500 153.0
Right now, I have loads of motivation, and believe it will be sufficient motivation to do a regular FD. That’s rather weak on RESOLVE, isn’t it? So I will spend the next several hours cheering me on, and assuring me I can do it, Rah-rah-rah! 😂💪👍 The thing is, it’s my 64th birthday on Saturday, and I’m not going to be very happy if I start the day around 156 or worse, so while I know I can’t be 141 by Saturday, I can at least do a FD today, despite yesterday’s WF, right? And that will give me lots of halo-polishing to do, which will be a lovely birthday present to myself.
I had some thoughts yesterday that bear exploring.
I used to be thin. It wasn’t easy, but I had the discipline to eat reasonably, and was thin. MANY of us on this forum used to be thin, but now have struggled to regain the discipline necessary to be thin or at least thinner, right? And it struck me that I used to have young kids around me, and was very conscious of being an example to them of how to eat reasonably: “No, honey, you may not have a cookie, because we’re going to eat supper in fifteen minutes.” “No, honey, you may not have a third cookie; if you’re hungry, there are baby carrots in the fridge.” “No, honey, we’re not going to buy potato chips; they’re not very healthy for our bodies, so we’ll save them for some special occasion.” See? And DH and I couldn’t afford to approach wine/beer with abandon. And when the kids were teenagers, and we could better afford to approach wine/beer with abandon, we were setting the example to them of sobriety. Now? No young kids. Can afford to approach wine/beer with abandon. No teenagers to guide with exemplary behavior. So, not that we’re getting sloshed four nights a week, but we’re eating and drinking with a level of abandon that I would have found astonishing and shocking when my kids were younger.
I’ve always behaved. I behaved when I was a teenager because it was the 70s and I wanted to be skinny (and was). I behaved in my 20s because it was still a habit. I behaved in my 30s because I had young kids, in my 40s because I had teenagers, in my 50s–wait. I had quit behaving by then. And I’m actually quite tired of behaving…in my deepest heart, I’m not interested in behaving. I want to eat/drink what I want to eat/drink when I want to eat/drink it, because I spent so many years denying myself.
And that’s the challenge, isn’t it? So I need to find a way to no longer be tired of behaving, to once again find it natural and positive. And it will perhaps be helpful if I can again think in terms of being a good example to others, although who will be helped by me being a good example? That’s a little fuzzy.
I’m never tired of behaving in the morning. Remember, I’m not hungry in the morning–food is an ugly thought at this moment as I type–so behaving in the morning is easy. It’s as the day progresses that it gets tough. Four o’clock? Good behavior is suddenly not in the least appealing. So, I need to be so busy in the afternoon until supper that good behavior isn’t optional; then perhaps the results on the scale will build my interest in good behavior.
For being an example…I’ll have to think about that. That ship may have sailed.
Back in the day, I lost five pounds in December every year. I wasn’t “dieting,” but I was so happy with the season, and so busy, that I simply didn’t eat and nibble as much (because of my good behavior), and those five pounds dropped off every year. I’d eat them back on eventually, but the beginning of the month was always fun.
So my challenge today is not to restrain myself from eating; it’s to find the joy in the day that makes me uninterested in eating except as a necessary way to fuel my body to continue being busy and getting ready to celebrate the season.
Those were my thoughts yesterday.
2:21 pm
7 Dec 22