What I want to do here is record my journey before my brain can play games with me.

Failure has always loomed larger for me than success, and in the attempt to change that thinking I’ve come to see how I’ve sabotaged myself through years of dieting and binging. With the help of some recent therapy, a lot of negative voices in my head have been acknowledged — and politely shown the door. I expect they’ll be back with battering rams, so my door needs lots of positive reinforcement. Help is all around when one is finally ready to see it!

What I have to lose: weight. Lots of it. Around 11 stone.

What I have to gain: freedom. In so very many ways.

This is about so much more than weight loss to me. I can’t do a “diet” again because that’s just deprivation that I inevitably follow up with binging. I really really DO want to lose the weight but it has to be part of a whole life change and not something temporary.

I have zero control over the numbers on the scale. I do have control over my food choices so that’s where I’ll put my focus. I don’t own a scale of my own and I’m not sure I want to yet, but my last hospital visit tagged me at over 21 stone and that’s the last time I ever want to see that again!

I have chosen to do 5:2, with 500 calorie fasting on Mondays/Thursday. I have committed to this for one month. It doesn’t feel like deprivation at all with all the power I have to make choices and my first FD was very peaceful.

Okay, it’s official — push “submit” and go!

I’m actually slipping in an unscheduled fast today because I woke up this morning all excited about it being a FD. I laughed out loud at myself but then I figured, why waste enthusiasm like that, let’s go with the flow! I have portioned food ready to roll in the freezer so no additional prep required.

Good idea? Bad idea? It’s so early in my process that all I can say is I’ve been feeling amazingly well all week, and blessedly without cravings. I feel happy, in a very deep and peaceful way — not a manic one. I have read here that many people do a 4:3, as well as other variations. I made a commitment to 5:2 for a month and that is my base point. But I am open to stepping that up, as long as I feel healthy.

A huge factor here is the absence of sugar. Without it, I am not craving anything. I don’t find myself in the kitchen searching through the same cupboard I searched 5 minutes ago. I have reasonable meals, which start — and more importantly — stop. No crazy binging.

This is not news to me. I’ve observed it before, on diets. But there has always been that point on a diet when I feel deprived — and when I finally come up for air things are worse than ever.

So there it is. For me, the sugar has to stay gone. It doesn’t matter what other people can tolerate in their food plans. It’s neither fair nor unfair. It’s just what’s true for me to have clarity of mind.

Cheers, Buttonboots — what you’re saying is on the money for me. I don’t want a weird diet that sets me apart from people. I want to be able to find food that works for me anywhere. I love good food! I want to enjoy my meals. And I want to lose weight. I can see people here who are doing just that, so I can too!

K-Lo, that’s amazing, isn’t it. Just. Not. Interested. Music to my ears!

I’m making a note to myself here for future reference about ‘That sugar film’ by Damon Gameau. If I ever waiver on my sugar resolve, watch this again pronto. If a picture says a thousand words, this film beats a thousand lectures.

Skyblue and Dragon Fly — your very names together bring sunshine! I can’t get over what a difference it makes, having people who “get” our issues hear us. I’m so glad you’re here.

It’s a bit of a surprise, honestly, to realise that I do feel positive. I haven’t exactly been known for this in my life. Quite the reverse. Old habits may die hard, but new habits can be formed and practiced until they are just as natural.

It’s important for me to not set up a “fight” scenario because I always lose them. I’m not fighting weight, food, sugar, time, numbers, or public opinion. (I might be fighting gravity, but that’s another subject altogether!) The way I perceive a thing determines my experience of it. This is not about trying to fool or pretend to myself that everything in the garden is rosy — it’s about questioning my assumptions and only keeping what works.

Fast day, and all is well.

I like the way your mind works, Austrian!

I can see it now, the new bestseller — Lolly Meditates on Sugar. Hmm. That title may need a little work…

It’s April 1st, and I feel anything but foolish this year. I feel excited, optimistic, and up for the challenge. I’ve found something that works and now I have all the fun of figuring out how to make it work best for me. I love to learn things!

Normally, having no clear deadline would bring out the procrastinator in me. This time, it is allowing my daily best to be good enough. How can anyone do better than their best, by definition? But this is a highly dynamic process and I expect “my best” to fluctuate on a daily basis. It requires that I pay attention to what I am doing, to be mindful.

Halfway point in my first month’s commitment to 5:2, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s actually turned out to be 4:3 both weeks, but I would rather see that extra FD as a bonus than write it in stone for now.

I am changing my Monday FD to Tuesday for this week. I haven’t yet worked out a plan for a FD while out with others. On the whole, I’d prefer to be on my own on a FD at this point. I am clear in what I’m doing, but wouldn’t want to end up feeling I had to defend myself or something. People mean well, but I can see “fasting” being a red rag to a few bulls of my acquaintance!

Perhaps I’m being cowardly? I’m definitely being self-protective. Eventually, others will see the weight loss clearly and then I can decide how much to share. Meanwhile, I am SO glad this forum is here.

I’m so glad you three agreed with my thinking on this one and it’s not just me being a wimp. You’re absolutely right — I don’t want a “fight”, I don’t want to have to defend my choices, and I definitely cringe at the number of times I’ve tried and failed in the past.

Austrian, you nailed that conversation! I was so there in my mind. Being the focus of it would be excruciating. I am uncomfortable being watched in general but the weight issue is particularly sensitive.

Buttonboots, you are doing exactly what I was thinking to do, so thank you for saying it! I won’t be talking “diet” with my family. It’s a minefield. If pressed, I might admit to “cutting back a little” but even that carries risk.

Another reason I am leery of talking about weight loss has to do with what has happened in the past when I have been on a diet long enough for someone to notice and offer a compliment. I don’t quite understand why, but that was usually the point when I wobbled and fell off the wagon. This whole experience feels very different, so I am prepared to deal with it better this time — but I won’t be sure until after it happens!

I managed the meal well, but honestly it was a relief to get home again and make plans for my fast day tomorrow. Perhaps a day will come when I don’t have to mentally prep so much but it isn’t here yet. I feel that I have a very new and precious flame to protect and that has to be my first priority over worrying about what someone else might say or think.

We ARE stronger together!!

Hope you had a wonderful dinner, K-Lo — you have to admire a woman with A PLAN! The energy in that room must have been extraordinary.

It’s so true, Sky. I have to say that I do believe the key for me is the avoidance of sugar. That, along with an overall reduction in carbs has allowed a sense of calm I never imagined possible. My brain feels free at last to help repair the damage of years to my body. It’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

And, as this is Wednesday Weigh-in, allow me to toot my own horn: 3 lbs dismissed this week, and I am delighted!

20 st./10 lb. Go me!

Definitely better than the Goblin diet, K-Lo… (nom, nom, nom)

So, I am proud of myself today. I committed to a 90-day thing with a group here, and it began today. It may not sound like much to some people but for me a commitment to walk 30 minutes a day is huge. I didn’t do it all at once, and I wasn’t breaking any speed barriers but I did complete the task and will do it again tomorrow.

I dislike physical activity. I hope, at least, after 90 days to see it as more of a regular habit. We shall see. I accept that it’s good for me, and that’s the most enthusiasm I can muster at the moment! I’d like my attitude to improve and I’m glad I had others to commit to in this challenge.

I agree with you, Austrian about fasting not feeling like a chore — so far, I’m actually enjoying the fast days. It feels like I’m achieving something in a time frame I can grasp rather than a diet stretching so far out ahead that it’s depressingly endless. I don’t object to my brain being tricked for a good cause!

Fast day again, making this another 4:3 week. I like this rhythm for now. I’m fortunate in not having to take anyone else’s meal needs into consideration — I imagine that is far more difficult to do.

I went food shopping yesterday and what a different story the conveyor belt told this month! Masses of vegetables, nothing but real food, and not a sweet thing in sight. I was able to eliminate entire aisles and was out in record time.

Austrian, the walking commitment I made was in the thread “I am a binger – any info on fasting and bingeing” — come join us! You can commit to anything you wish. For me, 30 minutes is a huge promise, and I need to break that into several segments. I do hope you’re right about my enthusiasm growing. Perhaps I should borrow a baby just to have a pram to push!

An audio book sounds like a good thought, thank you for the suggestion.

My brain is spinning from all the reading I’ve been doing recently but this has been the best investment of time I’ve made in years. I’m excited by the changes in weight loss management put forth by people like Dr. Jason Fung. Fasting makes so much sense that I want to smack myself for seeing the problem but not the solution sooner.

The weight is coming off, and this time I have absolutely no doubt that it will stay off. And what’s even better — I’ll enjoy the journey!